Hello again fans of the Venture Home News,
Today I’m reporting to you from the grounds of the Washington Monument. The Monument itself is unfortunately closed to visitors due to damage suffered from an erratic blast from a rogue scientist’s earthquake machine. Brock said that he was part of the SPHINX sting operation that put an end to the experiment, but the damage was already done unfortunately.
Still it is an awe inspiring sight, especially looking out over the reflecting pool from the Lincoln memorial. But, just between you and me, I may not know much about art, but having seen the Jefferson memorial and the Lincoln memorial well…the Washington Monument isn’t a very good likeness. I mean, he was white, but he wasn’t quite so tall and pointy. I guess it is an abstract expression of his greater Washingtonness, not meant to directly represent him.
Or maybe it’s just a big obelisk. Maybe the Home News should hire an art critic to handle issues like this.
Speaking of Old Honest Abe, I tried to strike up a conversation with him when we were at his memorial, but I guess he wasn’t at home. I was going to tell him about how Mr. White and Mr. Billy had a run in with vampires and how if I’d known he had experience in that area I would have suggested that they ask him for help. I think helping them kill their vampire creditors would have been good enough to earn him his wings. Then again, when I mentioned the idea to Pop he told me that all creditors are vampires and that you’d need an army of mechanical super Lincoln’s to kill them all.
We came to the monument to watch a fireworks extravaganza to celebrate the birth of our nation. Because there isn’t much that better represents America than a bunch of loud explosions,(and Pop read on the interweb that the loudest place to watch them from is near the Washington Monument), I’m excited, but the waiting definitely made the time drag by.
I’ve been reading up on facts about the Washington monument to pass the time. For instance, did you know that a player from the Washington Senators once caught a baseball dropped from the top of it? It took thirteen tries, but he finally caught the last ball dropped, and oddly enough it didn’t kill him!
I tried to tell Hank about it, but he was more interested in whether or not it’s a giant missile, or a laser cannon, or a giant antenna for talking to aliens or lots of other things.
And all Pop will say is it’s something called a Phallic symbol, whatever that is. Any way it’s supposed to be closed for another two years while they make all the repairs, and if I know anything about Washington it is that two years can turn into twenty. It took them so long to complete the monument that it’s actually two different colors, because the stone although coming from the same quarry was actually cut from deeper strata. The Washington monument was supposed to be the tallest structure ever created by man, and it held that title for one year when it was finished. Then the French opened the Eiffel Tower, and we were S.O.L. as Pop says.
But there are lots of Cool facts about The Washington Monument that most people don’t know, and that’s what we at the Venture Home News are all about, uncovering those facts. For Instance the same Trowel that George Washington used to lay the corner stone of the Capitol building was used to lay the cornerstone for The Washington Monument. Also there weren’t always bars on the windows at the top, they were added after some people committed suicide by jumping out the windows. People also liked to see what would happen when you dropped pennies, fruit and other things from the top. There are also stones commemorating everything from Native Americans, to individual States to The American Medical Association, even one sent by the Pope, but since the stairs have been closed for years you can’t see them anymore. One last thing, the Aluminum cone at the very tippy top was made by Tiffany’s, bet the tooth fairy would give you like ten grand if you could get that thing under your pillow! While we were waiting for the fireworks I went through the National Parks Junior Ranger program for The National Mall and got a really cool badge and a National Park backpack. Hank thought The National Mall was a really huge shopping Mall that sold other Malls! He is such a loser. The Train ride back to our Hotel in Maryland after the Fireworks was an experience that Pop would describe as a nightmare inexplicably ripped from the pages of some foreign guy that wrote about really crowded Metro trains stuffed with sweaty, smelly tourists. I’m sure that in the future Hank and I will be telling a trained therapist about the sights, sounds and smells of that night. Was it worth it? Was it worth the hours of waiting in the one-hundred degree heat? Was it worth having a metro train door close on you, and seeing your bodyguard throw an old oriental man back into the throng so you could get on board in his place? Just so I could say I’ve seen the 4th. of July fireworks from The National Mall at our Nation’s Capitol?...... Heck Yeah it was!
If you take away the port-o-john smell, the pedicab ride, and the hordes of foul mouthed rednecks I’d recommend it to all Americans! Well until later I remain as always your roving reporter Deany V.
GO TEAM VENTURE!